I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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