Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
