I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
