The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
