you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
