Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
