I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
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