the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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