Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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