oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize