just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
