I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
