Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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