What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
