I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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