My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
