you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
