if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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