i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
