I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
