I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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