She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
