Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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