After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
