I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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