I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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