Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
