Already got asked if we're dating
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
