hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
