It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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