You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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