Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my being single is dangerous.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Vodka?
Forever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
