I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
