under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
