This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
