Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize