No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
They have beer where we have blood.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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