Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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