I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
