i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
