Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
