If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
