Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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