Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize