When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
