I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
