What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
