Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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