your parents love me but you hate me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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