If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize