Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
