i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
