while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
