I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Text me some of your sweat
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