dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize