If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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