I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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