During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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